Have you ever recorded a bunch of wonderful little commercial jingles for Ivory Soap and Rice-A-Roni only to have all your tapes stolen by a thirteen-year-old moron who ruins all of them by singing sophomoric songs about “Sexy Lip Hair,” “The Dream Barge” and “Paul McCartney’s Penis” right on to the master track? Well, I did. And the result was Pleaseeasaur’s As Seen On TV, a CD so rich in stupidity and wet with overdramatic synthesizers that its mere existence is an embarrassment to the entire music business.
And that’s what’s so good about it! What is the point of a logic-defying, seemingly melody-free disco song about a Dad who punches holes through the steel? Why would anyone write a faux-“inspirational” song inscrutably called “You’ve Got The Tough” in which the listener is excitedly told that “You have the Eagle Eye!” In what context would one feel inclined to write an ode to Silver Spoons focusing on Ricky Schroeder’s lip hair? And then to sing it in a Mexican accent? And is there any reason why any human being should be able to remember that Rick’s little black friend on the show was named “Alphonso”? NO THERE”S NOTT! (The second “T” is for “Tits”).
Nothing on here makes any sense at all! It’s just stupidity for the sake of confusing, childish assholishness. But it’s nonstop good times! The good times always last – NEVER PAST! Half of the music sounds like JP is just playing the preset “demo” recordings on his keyboard and reading his childhood poems over them, but who gives a crap? I’m all for light-hearted nonsense – the British guy exclaiming, “Bloody! Bloody! They’re all bloody!” – the sped-up Limey singing a bubblegum ode to “Tripping On A Psychedelic Daydream” – the two full minutes of moronic laughter plastered onto the end of “Paul McCartney’s Penis” – the final track and contender for worst goddamned song ever recorded “I Hate Dog Shit” – all of these things and more are the essence of Pleaseeasaur. It’s not “good comedy.” It’s not even smart really. It’s just fourteen full tracks of beautifully immature and increasingly tuneless nothingness. I mean, come on - “Paul McCartney’s penis had a built-in stationery store”? Even if true, that’s hardly an appropriate theme for a pop song!
In conclusion, if you are willing to return to your youth, when gross things were funny, KISS were awesome even though you didn’t know how any of their songs went, and the idea of BIG STADIUM ROCK was just a fantasy reserved for superhuman musical powerhouses like Bill Wyman, As Seen On TV might be just what the Proctor gambled.